With the first of this two year program coming to a close, I’ve questioned whether or not one more year will be enough for me to have everything I need to begin creating the career I want outside of this program. With growing levels of self doubt and a sense of time flying by this past quarter, the world has felt extra heavy with uncertainty. Before the start of the current quarter, I could start to feel myself slipping into a familiar headspace indicative of a depressive episode. While there are a myriad of reasons why this could be, this is a familiar pattern I’ve experienced in my mental health, and part of me is grateful for this experience at such a critical time, because of the opportunity it provides.
While I’ve had many moments like this one, I can recall a specific moment sitting on the porch of my apartment building this past weekend, sipping green tea from a steel camping mug. The sun was shining on little spherical prisms a neighbor friend had hung along the porch, revealing little rainbow lights dotting the floorboards below. I can feel the solid weight in my gut telling me there’s work to be done. But the feeling that quickly follows gets stuck in my throat, and I know that I have a long day ahead. Procrastination has always been an issue for me in times of intense emotional lows, and the opportunity I see presented in these moments, is trying to find ways to stay productive and optimistic in these moments of internal struggle. More than just being productive, this feels like an opportunity to transmute these moments into my work and in to something I can be proud of.
As an aspiring writer/director, I’ve noticed myself diving more than ever into my screenplay class. I’ve written more than I have in a long time, and the inspiration I feel I think lies within the characters I’m creating. In my current screenwriting class, I’m writing a story about a main character named Mel. Mel is in a lot of ways, a character I aspire to be; She’s not only ambitious, but she’s completely unafraid to mercilessly execute proper steps to propel herself in her career. In the opening of the story, she has already obtained a significant degree of success as an independent journalist with her own media company, where she fights to create a platform where important stories are told objectively in the midst of a sea of different sensationalist corporate media. Mel’s character, though not without her own flaws, has been an spiring force that I can channel in my writings that allows me to alleviate some of the weight I’ve been feeling, and I owe her creation in huge part, to the struggles I’ve been facing.